that feeling when youre in the warden’s office and you put on jock jams vol. 1 on the loud speakers
-I’ve been saving a chicken nugget in my pocket just for you.
-What’s the password to your Wi-Fi network?
-You can never have too many hats.
-I wish they would have just killed Skynet for good at the end of Terminator 2
-I don’t even go to this school!
-Hope the sun doesn’t burn out this summer.
-You always smelled like coleslaw, but in a good way!
-Have you ever read the Wikipedia page for the Iran-Contra Affair? Like, the WHOLE thing? I still don’t get it!
-Wishing you consistent and regular stool movements this summer.
-Some say my handwriting samples look similar to that of the Zodiac’s.
-Good luck with that podcast!
hey everyone, the McJagger is back
Let’s face it: “Truck Nuts” are the best invention this side of real nuts. For the uninitated, or those who drive with their eyes closed, truck nuts are a fake pair of testicles that drivers will hang from a truck’s hitch. Truck nuts say to all other drivers on the road, “Look the fuck out. My truck has grown testicles. And I’m expecting the hairy back, deep voice, and adam’s apple to grow in any second.” Let’s just say when I see a pair of truck nuts, I turn my car around and go in the other god damn direction no matter where the hell I was going. Nobody fucks with truck nuts.
And this got me thinking. Where else could we hang truck nuts? Here’s a quick field guide for novices on where else you can hang this hilarious gag that never gets old no matter how many times I see it. You can also hang truck nuts on:
- An elevator
- Someone else’s car
- Another pair of truck nuts
- A wide-brimmed hat
- A cool dirtbike
This is just a starter though. I think truck nuts are about to come into their own as the next level of comedic evolution. We are about to enter a spiritual plane of humor enlightenment. Truck nuts be thy name.
It’s the night before Thanksgiving. If you’re heading to the bar tonight to rekindle old friendships and talk about “that one football game” from high school, don’t forget to have a killer job title to blow away all your friends. Here they are, The Top 5 Best Fake Jobs To Have At The Thanksgiving Eve Reunion:
5. Space Doctor: Simple, mysterious, and I bet no one else at this shindig has been to space… and neither have you! So act cool and talk about about how the movie Gravity was only “half-accurate.”
4. Gold Prospector: Let’s face it, if you’re making up a job title, you might as well go back to the historical well. Knock out a few of your teeth, get one of those silly hats, and talk about “them hills” and bring a jug of moonshine. And for that matter….
3. Cartographer: While we’re on the subject of historical jobs, nothing is better than being a god damn map maker. Regale your friends with details about how you’ve been mapping Florida to look even more like a dong, and how you’ve decided that Hawaii should be somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, just for kicks.
2. Interpretive Cop: Protecting and serving your community will garner the utmost respect from your former classmates. But what exactly is an interpretive cop? I think it’s something like a mime cop, but you’ll have to go it alone with this one.
1. Importer: People need shit. People need A LOT of shit. And who’s gonna bring it to them? You’re a business magnate, and you have one of the vaguest god damn titles ever. You’re encouraged to name drop fake business people, just don’t pull an amateur move like saying you work for Don Corleone, or Han Solo. PEOPLE KNOW WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE.
Jurassic Park was premeditated. In the Seinfeld episode “The Latent Scrimshaw” you can hear Newman whisper “Im gonna fuck up dinosaur island”